I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. With me being so busy, I feel like my usual routine has become far from usual. But me being busy can be blamed mostly on me. I've been trying so much lately to occupy my life with things that I've almost forgotten and left behind everything else that's brought me to where I am now. My friends, the school I use to go to, and all the time I use to devote to artwork. But maybe the reason why I've done all of this isn't so much as intentional as it may be indirect.

I've been constantly disappointed with my surroundings and lifestyle enough to the point where I would attempt full on dramatic changes. Me joining the Army back in January was a large example. I thought that if I could change the way I live, I'd see some sort of improvement in my every day lifestyle and finally see some progress. It's the lack of progress which is the foundation of my disappointment with my own life. I look back only now, knowing all I've been through and seeing the sharp change in my own life that I actually miss who I was. Maybe this is the true growing pains of transitioning from being a carefree teenager whose in high school into the sudden blow of reality that is being a 20 year old with no job or involuntary change ahead of his life. I miss those days dearly where I was the young one with dreams and yet still, a faint mirage of the future ahead of me and my dreams embellishing it. Now that I've arrived at these "cross roads years", I'm beginning to doubt my own control over my own destiny.

With next to nothing done in the way of artwork or written work in my novel project in over 5 months, I worry just how much of myself am I losing to this transition into my adulthood and just what have I gained? Gained... Heh. I feel as though I've gained nothing. And looking back at my events, I find nothing gained from my endured experiences. Is this what it's like to view one's life too far ahead of itself? Or am I really caught in some dark, uncertain alley way with no destination or predetermined future?

I do love this season; autumn, I mean...